→ An exorcism (eat it or go without) by Sid Sharp

→ Fun for Scum Activity Spread by Sid Sharp + Melly Davidson

No porn today, I’m trying to look maximally hot for no reason while I jerk off for no audience and this means lying on my back playing with myself and squeezing my thighs together coyly until furtive wriggling begets incandescent trembling delirium and that can’t involve slack-jawed scrolling, nor does it allow for flipping onto my front side to maniacally hump the shit out of my own hand; I’m determined to cross the threshold using two fingers and the cascading memory amalgam rolodex that populates my mind with spectres of obscene sequences, a constant haunting self-consuming scumbag bottomfeeder that eats experience and shits out onanistic fodder, and furthermore I will not be thinking about you while I masturbate, I’m getting out of that habit and getting off on something else, I’m deciding, it’s decided, you’ve been creeping in where you don’t belong and it was almost fun when the torment was new and I would hungrily welcome your ghost in my bed but now I need you out of here, there’s something wrong with this house, the bed’s an ancient burial ground, my cunt’s cursed, you’ve turned sex-poltergeist and I’m calling in a fucking exorcist.

I flip through my mind for something solid to hold onto and a few familiar pictures circle around me at the same speed as my fingers lazily circling labia: a tall girl, her smooth ribcage with the little estrogen patches, her cock supple and delicate and shockingly full as she pushes it into me; someone’s husband muttering we shouldn’t do this as he slides his thumb into my underwear; a friend lying contrapposto in my bathtub pissing into his own face; you in your matter-of-factly voice saying softly into my ear I’m gonna make you come a lot, NO, something else, licking pussy on the last day of a period, wet tart taste mixed with something acrid, borderline rotted but it’s so good, it’s really good. I scoop up the wet from my cunt and use it to finger the edge of my asshole.

In my mind I push a woman’s pretty face into the pillow; a sauna orgy with air so heavy I might pass out, a stranger’s voice full of desperate desire as she whispers can I touch you; a lover lifts their bra just enough for me to suck their nipples in a half-hidden thicket by the train tracks; some unnamed mouth that bites my inner thigh so hard the bruise lasts months (I caress the spot where it used to be); a thick dark bush, NOT THAT bush, a different one; a pair of panties caked in ectoplasmic cum; a thin man on his third cigarette commands me to crawl across the floor to suck his cock; a boyfriend fucks me from behind while I read a paperback and yawn performatively, he loves it when I pretend he doesn’t exist. I’m not entirely sure I exist. I’m almost-almost there. I’m almost there.

A feeling like filling up and emptying out and I’m thinking very fast and thinking there’s just one more thing I can’t remember that I need to remember and then I’ll disappear, a ghost with unfinished business, something in the corner of my bedroom in the corner of my eye, the optometrist told me I have a blind spot I don’t know about, I can’t see it but I guess how could I, and my resolve falls in on itself and I flip onto my stomach and grind hard into my hand again and again, scraping pubic bone against wrist, and I think about fucking you and I feel like I’m fucking you and the smell of you and when I’d deeply lick your armpit and the way you would kiss my clit after you made me come, and you’re making me come now, and I’m coming, and there it is, there it is, there it is

Pool (cue sports) 

Coin Flipping 

 

Emperor

1:49:59 ██████████████████████████████ there’s ████████████████████████████████████████

1:50:06 ███████████████████████████

1:50:12███████████████████████████████████████ this ███████████████████ 

1:50:18██████████████████████████████████ karmic ███████████

1:50:24█████████████████karmic██████████████████████

1:50:32  ████ karmic ████████████ and ██████████████████████████

1:50:39████████████████████████████████████I feel like ███████████████████████████████████

1:50:45██ some ████ new ████████████████████████████████████████████████

1:50:51████████████████ fool so yeah ████████████████ this ████████████ timing i████████████

1:50:58 ██████████ I’m just gonna ██████████

1:51:04 ███████████████████████████████████████████████████ past 

1:51:11 ██████ new love is coming ████████████████ don’t care ████

1:51:17 and I don’t know why why don’t you ██████████████████████████████ want to 

1:51:23 ███████ someone from the past ██████████████████████████████████

1:51:30 ██████ to somebody ████████████████████ you’re ███████████████████

1:51:36 ████████████████████looking like ████████████ distance ██

1:51:42 ██████ you really ██████████ are ████████████ you’re waiting to █████████████

1:51:48 ███ now again █████ new person ████████████ new person █████ you’re ███████

1:51:53 anybody ██████████ change ██████████████████████████████████

1:51:59 █████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

1:52:05 █████████████████

Jesus

I was almost born in the backseat then Mom went back to church

At night I knelt before a bedsheet to feel a spiral follow and everything reasons 

In 5^th grade indoor lunch recess 

Mr. Cappon read us the Pilgrim’s Progress

Good people are christians, good christians are forgiven, good teachers wear Nike

monarchs Don’t tell you to not *not* be friends with kids who don’t believe in God

But do spend double block science periods drawing glasses of oil and water 

And what can’t be mixed can still ask for salvation

We separate to learn about puberty and periods 

Not what happens for us but what happens to us

We can hear the boys laugh, man planted the dinosaur bones

And God will give us new bodies

“Boobies” “jug heaven” “big tits” on the school computer search history page no

3OH!3 on the morning radio, straps shorts V-necks dress-coded 

Scarlett Johansen’s nudes leaked Mila Kunis’s nudes leaked Vanessa Hudgens’s nudes leaked Sin was

something I had but something boys got to dig for 

When Jackson Jones asked me on Facebook messenger if he could grab my ass 

I was relieved, and I believed in no God just like I hated my new body 

At the overnight camp named after shapes

I still feared the Devil 

But it is much scarier to be on the *not* list or click a Facebook virus or bunk with girls who Laugh

in octaves and use Baby Lips and dare you to tell the truth

I chose boys to have a crush on because when they call out 

“circle” you answer back “square” 

We don’t have to not *not* let Jesus into our hearts

But he is watching what our new bodies do 

On 7^th grade basement sleepover carpets Omegle, Chatroulette, the scene from Black Swan 

We would laugh longer to hide our watching

Like my new body would open the browser but not the dirty video 

Just to not *not* watch the small squared ads on loop 

More times after in the shower then Mom opened the door

I cried into the body wash my holy new wounds

And the things you hate the most have a funny way of feeling just like you

Parking garages, porn, praying